Kinda Blue.

Last night I had a really nice phone conversation with my grandmother. I have a fear that these opportunities will diminish with time as some dementia seems to be taking over even now; I am reminded to create more opportunities to enjoy her company.

Sometimes I struggle to find things to talk about with her; she gets confused more easily now and doesn't have the same point of reference as people who are a bit more "current" in their thinking. For example, telling her that The Kid just tested for his orange belt in Hapkido doesn't have much meaning for her (and at this point, any explanation of "hapkido" will be lost by the next time we speak). So, for conversation's sake, he's in karate and taking a test. Sometimes I find the editing a bit draining and she struggles to share things about her life -- which is extremely quiet and the same from day to day.

But last night was such a treat. We talked of baking, which she loves/loved to do and she told me stories of her job as a young woman "working out" (something for which my cultural reference doesn't jive -- I'm assuming as a housekeeper/nanny or in a small institution with a kitchen) for people for whom she baked regularly. I told her the things I'd been baking lately for the kids and how I hoped to one day bake breads just as good as she does -- *smile* they really are so good! -- and in true grandmotherly fashion she had loads of encouragement for me. I had to smile as her words made me feel just like a child again... not so much because I was being encouraged, but as how it was clear that in her eyes I was just a child who couldn't expect to have the experience that someone like her who has baked and cooked for years has.

I was so happy for our conversation and yet, as my head hit the pillow and I had time to reflect on my day I found my eyes burning with tears. Sometimes life is just so sad. I hate that my Gramma is alone. And I found myself missing my Grandpa. I'm glad that he didn't suffer long in his passing, but I'm so sad that we never had a chance to say "goodbye". Because there was so much in my heart to say. And I can't help but feel so remorseful and, really... shocked... that I never thought to say it Before. And I feel compelled to not let that happen with my Gramma, too.