Vacation by the Numbers

6 -- Roller coasters, which really?... involved very little actual "coasting", so what's up with that, people? False advertising is what's up with that. Seemed like a lot of jet-propulsion or warp-speed involved. Maybe that's just me, however.

1 -- Roller coaster that actually made me think I might die.

2 -- the amount of times I thought I might puke.

0 -- the amount of times I did puke.

3 -- the number of times I was asked if I wanted to buy weed at Venice Beach.

1 -- conversation with my kids about what weed is and why Mommy won't be buying any.

2 -- Jam skaters we watched skating in the bowl at Venice Beach.

5 -- packs of Orbit gum. Currently finishing up some Mint Mojito. Luvs it.

4 -- the number of ridiculously expensive, cruddy-tasting meals of questionable quality we had at various theme parks.

6 -- the number of mornings I wished I could grab a Tim's coffee cause the coffee in our hotel sucked rocks.

0 -- the number of Tim Horton's in the state of California.

1 -- excuse for sniffling and tearing throughout the Shamu show. Not sure whether it was the awesome size and majesty of the creatures and their willingness to interact with humankind; or the fact that they were captive in the equivalent of a paddling pool.

347 -- pictures taken.

5 -- breakdowns of a Kid nature; 2 of which made me ponder never taking children on another vacation, EVER. Word.

5 -- the approximate gallonage of ride-water that managed to find it's way to the Princess' and my particular area of the River Raft on Grizzly Mountain. Let me just say that a 4 km hike in water-logged shirt, jeans and panties did not make for a happy Mom. But I kept that all inside, trust that.

2 -- the number of Sea Bands that I ended up buying mid-trip as I wallowed with a ride hangover and children still ready to rumble on all sorts of pukealicious attractions. One for each wrist, baby.

2 -- IHOP pancakes of the Strawberry Cheesecake variety which made me vow everlasting loyalty to all carby breakfast foods.

1 -- stolen iPod from the Princess' bag, which had been stowed under the bed. Still trying to work that one out with the hotel.

4 -- connecting flights; subtotals? 1 ridiculously expensive chocolate bar, four packs of complimentary corn chips and approximately a five hour layover in no-man's land.

1 -- Airport Emergency Door alarm which the Kid set off by opening a door he shouldn't have.

5 -- minutes spent waiting for Airport personnel to arrive on the scene and disarm the (very loud and annoying) alarm while we waited like dutiful citizens who would very much like the ground to open up and swallow them.

1 -- boy who thought he may die or go to jail.

2 -- parents who possibly let him think that for just a moment before we let him off the hook.

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For all this and more, I thank you, Disney Vacation. :)

Other things for which I'm thankful: Pilots who knew not to crash their planes -- always a good thing. Cherry Coke on tap! Hoo-ah! Live music on the streets. Screaming until my eyes watered. Collapsing in giggles with the Princess after the Jurassic Park ride. The Kid letting me hold his hand when we walked down the streets all week cause he was in someplace strange and needed a bit of comfort. Billy Hill and the Hillbillies -- great show that made me laugh and clap so hard. Getting to read THREE books just cause I had time in-flight. Belting out the Indiana Jones theme song with the Princess during our last Indy ride at Disney. Sitting OUTSIDE the Tower of Terror ride waiting for Mr. F and the kids to finish... cause OMG... I couldn't do that ride without puking, I'm certain. Swimming in the OUTDOOR pool knowing that temps are below freezing back at home.

And last but not least, coming home. :)

West Coast Vacation In Six Easy Points and One Horrifying Picture.

PASS. -- Amazing scenery. Beyond amazing. Scenery which turned me into a Grandmotherly Lady exclaiming "Oh My..." and "How Beautiful..." and "So Lovely" whilst dabbing my eyes with a flowered hanky. It really was that Perfect. And I really was that dweeby. Cause let's be honest, I live on nature's equivalent to a Dinner Plate. F-L-A-T doesn't begin to describe my habitat. This was like Crack for my habitat-o-meter. Rocks, cliffs, mountains, ginormous trees and winding highways. Quaint bridges over picturesque creeks and... yes, I am reduced to a big pile of Dweeb.

FAIL. -- Three flights to get there. Thank you, AirMiles. You rock with the connections. *urrrghh* My ears were not happy with the repeated compression/decompression schtick we were *ahem* enjoying and malfunctioned somewhere around the ascent over the Rockies, leaving my head locked up like Houdini -- ouch -- and disturbing my equilibrium for the duration of the trip. Me and Gravol were a tight pair after that.

PASS. -- Super friendly people wherever we went. Really. I thought Prairie folk were friendly, but I kinda think we could learn a thing or two. We had some really... errr... Lovely (hello, Grandma...) conversations with lots of people and generally enjoyed our time on the Island greatly.

FAIL. -- Camera battery dies just as we enter Qualicum Falls and Cathedral Grove. Perhaps the most magical, breathtaking place I've been in my life. Dead camera. You've got to be kidding me. (and it was a borrowed one which needed a special charger -- not just some AA's. Trust me, I'd have been all over that.) Eff you, Camera. You and the horse you rode in on. Arrrgh.

PASS. -- The ocean. Oh my gosh... the OCEAN, people!!! Wandering the waterfront and marina, beachcombing along some really great stretches of oceanfront. My Inner Geek was in Geek heaven, I swear it. Look! Jellyfish!! Look! Starfish!! Look! Dead Crabs and Disembowelled Ducks!!! (no really, they were there. And I really checked them out, cause, yeah... dead crabs and disembowelled ducks!!) And no end of shells and rocks and driftwood and cool beachy stuff to collect and bring home for the kids. What? It was for the kids, really it was.

FAIL. -- Reggie Griswold. The beast of a spider that had taken up residence directly outside our hotel window. He was ginormous and ghastly and strangely entrancing. He also prevented us from opening up the window as there was no window screen (apparently this is an Island-wide phenomena. They don't mind letting the crawlies indoors.) and there was no way in hell I was willing to wake up eye to manifold-eye with Reggie.

Just in case there are any disbelievers among my readers as to the size and ridiculous horrificableness of Mr. Griswold (seriously, it has me making up new words, such was the sight of him) I will provide you with a picture. Keep in mind that things, once viewed, cannot be removed from your minds-eye. I will not be responsible for scary dreams, bedwetting and bad drug trips that may result from viewing the following picture.

Yeesh.

So, I am now happily back home in the Land of The Dinner Plate. It really is good to be home, good to see our kiddos and get back into some routine. Though I am truthfully mourning the passing of the Holiday Napping Hour. Cause that was pure Gold, people. And apparently one more point to consider as to whether or not Flutterby is really a Grandma in Disguise.

Vive la Vacation!