The Kid 10.0

My "baby" is now 10 years old.

I remember how when I first saw him, I marveled at how sturdy and strong he was. In fact, he held his head up remarkably well in the first few weeks after he was born. And later he kept me running when he began walking at 8 months of age.

It seems that he is bent on moving forward, even when this mama's heart would like nothing more than for him to stay little.

I imagine that the next ten years will go by as quickly as the first. I am all at once anxious to know the man my boy will be and also loathe to see those years pass at all. I hate how time has a habit of slipping by so fast and I hope I don't miss anything.

Cute.

Gotta love finding cute stuff on Pinterest!

Deja Vu

Who knew parenting could be such a bittersweet endeavour? Not this girl.

It has been 13 and one half years since the Princess made her entrance into this amazing world and changed my life forever. Each year has brought it's own joys and challenges and this last year has been full of remarkable changes, seeing her mature into a lovely young lady. (see photo below... I know, right?!)



She has always been a very sensible girl and never one given to easily crushing on boys or centering her thoughts and life around their stinky boyish ways. And so it was terribly surprising when this past spring she was reunited with a childhood friend and fell hard for him. Their long-distance friendship has grown over the months following that time and the fact is that, well, she truly loves him and he appears to share the same kind of serious feelings for her.

********************************************
*record screeching* Oh. My. Gosh. Would anyone have a paper bag they could lend me? I may momentarily be having difficulty breathing.
********************************************

OK, calmer, now.

A little.

I'm finding this a very, shall we say, strange territory to traverse as a mama. I wanted to say "alien territory"... but the fact is that it's not at all "alien" to me. Because I found a Love very young as well. In fact, at about the same age as the Princess is now. And walking through all this with her, seeing this all unfold... is the strangest kind of deja vu that one can imagine. The scariest kind. I'm terrified that she will make my same mistakes. Terrified that we as parents will fail her. Not protect her enough. Protect her too much. Terrified that I will parent the girl that I was and not the girl that I have, if you can know what I mean.

We are trying our best to keep things locked down on this whole situation. There are lots of boundaries and conditions and communicating openly -- definitely the distance between our homes helps in that regard, as well as the fact that his parents are also keeping things together on their end in similar fashion. But the fact is that there is so much I cannot control. The heart wants what it wants and I'm not foolish enough to think I can control her heart. I feel that I am walking the fine line between honoring her as a growing young woman and protecting her as my child. Still, I'm so very scared for her. I know that sometimes approaching that precious thing you yearn for ends in broken dreams and a shattered heart. And I will absolutely die inside if I have to see my lil girl hurting like that.

********************************************
Bag, please. Thank you.
********************************************

I am reminded of some timeless parenting advice... "Just get them through it,". I just hope we can do a good job of that.

Stranger and Strangerer.

What the crappity crap is that!?!? I totally heard something weird that afternoon, too. It didn't last long and I kinda just figured my ears were playing with my brain, or it was the super big drop in temperature that occurred that night... anyhow, didn't think any more about it until a couple of my friends popped up a status on Facebook about it, along with some of these links.

Oh my word. Toooo crazy.

Most people think it has something to do with the tectonic plates of the earth shifting and the hum resonates up through the earth's crust. I'm curious to see whether their predictions of an earthquake in the next few weeks is accurate. And of course, there is a lot of religious speculation. I don't know. While it is certainly an awe-inspiring event and notable that it has been heard at many locations around the world, I'm kinda skeptical (WHO??? MEEEE??!? lol)... mostly cause I kinda think that any sort of trumpet sound would be something that each individual person would hear. Not just pockets here and there. And while I'm digging my hole in the fundamental soil of Christian beliefs, I'll also just say that I would lean towards thinking that the timing is all wrong (cause yeah, I have an opinion about that) and that it will be the sound of a shofar and not some eerie War of the Worlds soundtrack. Just saying.

And... NAILED THAT LANDING on the "crazy" side of religious blog talk. A first for Flutterby. Mark it in your journals, people. *grin*

Anyhow, yeah... weird sounds. And very interesting to see people I know who have no belief system to speak of get all spooked and instantly start talking either Bible or Aliens. Much as everyone likes to rely on their intellect as the god of the age, when things get squicky, the fact that we are spiritual beings becomes evident pretty quick.

What do you think? Heard of this in your part of the country?

Honestly?

So the other day, I pop into our place of business to drop an item off and I happen to see a man approaching someone in the parking lot. It appears that he's asking for money and it appears that the other man politely turns him down.

I meet with my client and finish my errand. Admittedly I am hoping that this solicitous individual is not in the parking lot as I exit the store. He isn't and I breathe a little easier. However... As I continue my way a block or two over to the bookstore I am going to next, I see that he is now in that parking lot and I see him again approach people in the lot. I duck in the doors and am about 15 minutes into my browsing when he is there in the aisle in front of me.

He is polite.

He is also drunk. His every word washes me with the smell of alcohol and I have a hard time deciphering his speech.

His story? He is from out of town and his car (with his wife, 5 kids and a baby in it, no less) is stuck on the side of the highway, out of gas. If I just had some cash to give him, he could get some gas and get his family safely home to a town about 40 mins away.

Now, I'm not heartless and if I believed for one second that this man had helpless children stranded on the road in cold winter weather, I would not hesitate to help. What did I do? I told him I didn't have any cash (I didn't) and I offered to help him call a gas station to bring him out enough gas to get him into the city. I guess that wasn't what he was looking for as he shrugged his shoulders and turned away.

This whole situation plagued me as I drove home and I replayed it in my mind. I treated him well -- which I should have. He is a human being and deserves being treated with dignity. But I guess what bothers me is this notion: dignity is honored by honesty. And I wasn't honest. For the sake of politeness I bought into his ruse and played along. I played his own game if you will... (and won, I might add... apparently no inebriated brain is a match against this specimen of a thinking machine. lol) but what I really wanted to do is be honest. To say "Buddy. Really? I can tell you are drunk and I'm having a hard time believing your story at all. You need to leave this store and quit lying to people to get what you want."

It wasn't so much about this particular situation as it is how I often -- in so many areas of my life -- sacrifice being honest about what I think (Keeping it Real, if you will) for being uber-diplomatic and ingratiating.

But then, maybe I'm just over-analyzing. I have a tendency to do that, too. :) How honest are you with people trying to scam you?

Life Interrupted.

These past few days have brought a shocking bit of news to our lives and we are struggling to make sense and formulate a plan for moving forward. Sadly it involves a dear family member's health, and, while I don't feel at liberty to share details, I will ask those of you who remember my sis-in-law from her days commenting on The Fantastic Spastic under the name "UberFanSis" to please keep her and her little family in your prayers.

Thank you all... so very much.

Kinda Blue.

Last night I had a really nice phone conversation with my grandmother. I have a fear that these opportunities will diminish with time as some dementia seems to be taking over even now; I am reminded to create more opportunities to enjoy her company.

Sometimes I struggle to find things to talk about with her; she gets confused more easily now and doesn't have the same point of reference as people who are a bit more "current" in their thinking. For example, telling her that The Kid just tested for his orange belt in Hapkido doesn't have much meaning for her (and at this point, any explanation of "hapkido" will be lost by the next time we speak). So, for conversation's sake, he's in karate and taking a test. Sometimes I find the editing a bit draining and she struggles to share things about her life -- which is extremely quiet and the same from day to day.

But last night was such a treat. We talked of baking, which she loves/loved to do and she told me stories of her job as a young woman "working out" (something for which my cultural reference doesn't jive -- I'm assuming as a housekeeper/nanny or in a small institution with a kitchen) for people for whom she baked regularly. I told her the things I'd been baking lately for the kids and how I hoped to one day bake breads just as good as she does -- *smile* they really are so good! -- and in true grandmotherly fashion she had loads of encouragement for me. I had to smile as her words made me feel just like a child again... not so much because I was being encouraged, but as how it was clear that in her eyes I was just a child who couldn't expect to have the experience that someone like her who has baked and cooked for years has.

I was so happy for our conversation and yet, as my head hit the pillow and I had time to reflect on my day I found my eyes burning with tears. Sometimes life is just so sad. I hate that my Gramma is alone. And I found myself missing my Grandpa. I'm glad that he didn't suffer long in his passing, but I'm so sad that we never had a chance to say "goodbye". Because there was so much in my heart to say. And I can't help but feel so remorseful and, really... shocked... that I never thought to say it Before. And I feel compelled to not let that happen with my Gramma, too.

Heavy Hearts

Sad news today of humanity's condition befalling a man I respect and admire. My heart aches for those touched by this news.

We all fall sometimes. I hope that this man -- a counselor who greatly helped me reach towards healing and reconciliation in my own marriage -- will walk once again. And I hope that somehow, the testimony of God's mercy and grace will win out over the destruction.

A wise man once said that there is good in the worst of us and evil in even the best hearts.

It can be scary to peek inside the dark places, but I think it's needed.

Uncertainties.

Today I sat in church and as the service closed, the band played an older song. One that I remember from years ago. I've sung it many times over the years and not thought much of it, but today something was different.

Today I could almost reach back in time and become that girl who sang. Remember the feeling of that church sanctuary where our youth group met; the smell of old carpet and wood, the acoustics, the close summertime air. It was a neat little moment, a window in time if you will. I enjoyed it for what it was, but was left saddened in some ways.

I am so different from that girl. She sat there years ago, cloistered and protected; trusting and open to receive. She didn't question. It was so simple and it all made sense so much as life had brought her way.

And I felt like crying. I am tired of the questions and the only certainty I feel I have is that nothing will be simple again.

I can live with that, but I looked over at the sweet girl beside me, and thought of my boy across the way in his Kid's Club, and I hoped that somehow they will be allowed a measure of simplicity. And I feel a little bit afraid that my questions, my husband's questions... have stripped that from them.

Our God is an Awesome God,
He Reigns In Heaven Above
With Wisdom, Power and Love,
Our God is an Awesome God.

I hope that can be enough.